Shadows of the Past
by Aisha-Max
Summary: The secrets of Ran's past come back to haunt him. Stems from my poem 'A Life Of Lies'. Lots of Aya angst. Yohj/Aya, This is my incredibly bizarre interpretation of how Aya's past might be. Please R&R!
1. Hiding in Shadows

Author's Note: This is my first Weiß fic. And of coarse it is just full of Aya angst/insanity.  
  
Please don't flame me if I get something wrong from the actual story. I've never actually seen or read Weiß Kruez. So please all of you psychotic fans out there don't hunt me down and kill me. ^_^;  
  
All of the poems at the beginning have been written or co-written by my friend anglgurl.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Weiß and if you didn't already know that then your beyond any help that I can suggest.  
  
Warning: Language, yaoi, shonen ai, may change in latter chapters.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 1: Hiding in Shadows  
  
~~~Aya/Ran's POV~~~  
  
Shadows blind and cover my path.  
  
Reality as ominous as the nightmare.  
  
I lie here awake and waiting  
  
For my shadows to engulf me  
  
And take me back to sleep  
  
To where my nighmares await me.  
  
My shadows fallow me there.  
  
There they are given shape and a name.  
  
It is your name.  
  
Your shadows encircle me.  
  
1 And I realize  
  
I am lost.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It's dark in my room. The light cannot reach me here. I will not let it. The darkness is where I belong. Light is too precious for creatures like me.  
  
I can't go back to sleep. My dreams will find me there. I hadn't slept long before the found me and I woke up trembling. It was all because of that damn mission.  
  
The mission was supposed to be simple. The target was no one in particular. I had never met him. That's what I thought until I reached his office. All I had to do was steel a disk. We were not told much about the mission including what was on the disk. I was to retrieve it while Yohji terminated the target. A simple enough mission, until I saw the picture sitting on his desk. Even in the dark I could still see it clearly. The image of the picture on his desk still floated through my mind. It was a picture of him standing under a plush, green tree in some unnamed park. He was probably in his early fifties by now, dark blond hair was streaked with gray and slicked back in a conservative fashion, a carefree smirk curved at his lips, and an arm draped his shoulder in a friendly gesture.  
  
It was Him. He had a smile on his face. The bastard!  
  
And then I noticed the light blinking on the answering machine. I don't know what made me press the play button. I just did.  
  
It was Him.  
  
  
  
"Hey Joru, it's Masako. Listen I need you to do me a favor. I need you to get one of your boys to look up a name for me. The name's Fujimiya Ran. I owe him something. I'll give you the details at lunch tomorrow."  
  
  
  
I remembered him after that. His name was Eto Joru. I had seen him at our home a couple of times. I never knew what he did or who he was all I know is that he had close ties with the family business.  
  
All the memories came back to me when I saw that picture. I hated that picture. It brought back my pain. It made me remember His face.  
  
He's the reason why I'm here. He's the reason I can never go into the light again. He's the reason why I must remain in the shadows.  
  
That was a week ago. Why is He still haunting me? Why can't He just leave me alone? Why can't I forget? Why can't I let go?  
  
I can't go to sleep. If I do He will be there. I'm not strong enough to face Him.  
  
It took me a long time to finally admit that to myself. I'm not strong enough. I had for so long tried to block out anything that would make me weak, that would make me vulnerable.  
  
I wasn't strong enough to protect Aya. I wasn't strong enough to protect Katia or any of them for that matter. I'm not even strong enough anymore to protect Weiß.  
  
I will have to leave Weiß. I don't want to. As much as I hate to admit it, I like it here. I like being with them. They have become my family now. And I cannot hurt them. I cannot let what happened to Aya happen to them. It's selfish to stay here. It's me He wants. I have to lead Him away from Aya and Weiß.  
  
Why did this have to happen to me now? I had almost forgotten Him. I had almost gotten back a piece of my sanity. What's left of it anyhow? Aya was safe. She was going to school and from what I had heard she was happy.  
  
She deserved it. But still I couldn't help but feel a little more than hurt at the fact that she could live without me when I couldn't live without her. I needed her for an excuse to exist. I needed her to feel I still had a purpose, to think that there was still a part of me that was still Ran.  
  
There is nothing there now. No purpose no reason, to exist.  
  
I don't even know who Ran was. Ran was a lie, a lie that I have lived my whole life until I became Aya.  
  
It comforted me in a way to be Aya. I knew who he was. I knew what he was. Even though he scared me I still knew who he was and what he made me.  
  
I am nobody now. I can no longer hide in Aya.  
  
Now I understood that I never really was Ran or Aya. I was just hiding in their shadows. Now I have nowhere to hide. I have to face my shadows as myself. But I don't know who I am. I never knew. I am a stranger to myself. All I can do now is sit and wait for my shadows to drag me into the darkness of my own insanity.  
  
~~~TBC~~~  
  
::evil grin:: I'm so mean to poor Aya. But he's just so easy to torture.  
  
Well review and tell me if I should continue or not. 


	2. Visions of an Angel

Author's Notes: I just want to apologize for this chapter. It took me forever to get it up here. Contrary to what some people may believe in my opinion Yohji is a very difficult character to write. Well that is if you're trying to go deeper into Yohji's persona. Honestly, I don't know how some of you people do it. I think I rewrote this chapter about four times already and I'm still not happy with it. Oh well, I hope you like it better than I do.  
  
I thought this was just gonna be Aya's POV all the way through but I decided to bring Yohji into it to add some color. ^_~  
  
Chapter 2: Visions Of An Angel  
  
~~~Yohji POV~~~  
  
I can't sleep. My visions haunt me Visions of an angel cloaked in shadows The shadows that envelop the lies of his past The shadows that never cease to haunt him Visions of an angel covered in sin In blood that cannot be forgotten In blood that has stained his soul Visions of an angel dying The pain of his lost soul too much for him to bear The pain of his own sin will never let him rest  
  
Visions of an angel fallen from grace  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I can't sleep. Visions of an angel keep haunting my sleep. It is the same dream always. Standing together we stare out at the setting sun. Brilliant colors float across the sky. The dying sun adds a glow to the darkening clouds. I am holding him as I confess my hearts emotions to him softly in his ear. He does not reject me. He does not turn me away, but he simply smiles and whispers the one thing I long to hear most in my ear.  
  
"I love you"  
  
But then the sun dies down and a great cloud of darkness descends from the sky. The clouds whip and wind all around us. I hold onto him desperately, but the shadows are too strong. He is torn from my grasp and the shadows engulf him. The force of the wind pushes me back and all I can do is watch as the great cloud moves up to the sky again and fades away from my sight. I am alone again.  
  
I then awaken to an empty room and I am still alone.  
  
I never thought I could fall in love after I lost Asuka. I don't think I'll ever know if she was supposed to be the one for me. I didn't know her that long, but for the short time that I did know her she made a lasting impression. She was a truly beautiful person and I will admire and miss her always. She was my close friend and my partner. She meant a lot to me and I let her down. She is dead because of me. That's where love has gotten me. I never thought a creature like me was even capable of such a thing as love. Yes, creature. I'm not human anymore. I sold my humanity long ago. At least that's what I thought.  
  
I'm not so sure anymore. Resent developments have lead me to believe that perhaps there may be more human in me than I thought.  
  
It was him. He made me feel alive again. Who'd ever thought that Aya of all people could make you feel alive. At first he made me feel completely hopeless. I mean who could woe a human iceberg? Falling in love with Aya is defiantly my idea of a bleak situation. But when you look deeper you find something different. You see guilt, shame, hatred, blame, loneliness, and most of all pain. If I could make him see something different, if I could make him see what I see, if I could make him see me, I would make sure he would never feel lonely again. I could take some of his pain away. I could help him see the good instead of the bad. At least that's what I want to do anyways. The thought of that actually happening is mind-boggling.  
  
For a little while there I thought maybe I might have a chance. I thought maybe he might actually give me the time of day and I might be able to make my move. But then things changed. He started acting weird. He looks like he never sleeps. He doesn't eat and he's anxious about something all the time, which means he is especially irritable.  
  
This type of thing just doesn't happen to Aya. He's like a fucking machine. Get up, go to work, kill someone then go lock himself up in his room. He even declined a mission the other night. A mission! Aya never declines a mission. He said he didn't feel well and that it would be a danger to the team. Well damn! Even if Aya doesn't feel well, he never would admit it. Hell, Omi had to drug him just to get him to stay in bed when he had the flu.  
  
He was doing so much better. He was staying down stairs with us in the evening that we spent at home together. He had started talking more, which doesn't mean much. Maybe a full sentence on a rare occasion. I even dragged him out to a club one night. A club! Of course he sat in the corner the entire time, had a couple of drinks, and then bolted for the door.but he went! And I even saw him smile once. Of course it was more of a half smile at my expense. Some stupid joke Ken made about me being lazy. I wonder where he would ever get an idea like that?  
  
Of course it took more than a smile for me to realize that I was in love with the coldest bastard to ever walk the earth.  
  
~~~Begin Flashback~~~  
  
It was December, which would explain why I'm freezing my ass off. I looked down on the Tokyo skyline. Then I looked over at downtown Tokyo. I could be over there right now, drunk and partying, but nooo I have to be freezing my ass off on top of this stupid building keeping lookout for Mr. Ice. Why the hell did I get this position anyways? Oh yeah, I wasn't there for the meeting. Jerks! Just because I have a life and a date doesn't mean they have to land me with the position of a lifetime. God it's cold out here. Where the hell is Aya? He better show up soon and when he does I'll kill him for taking this long.  
  
"Balinese we need you quick! Get down from there and get the car!" Omi's frantic voice screamed in my ear.  
  
"Bombay calm down." I tried to sound reassuring and calm as I headed for the fire escape. "What's wrong?"  
  
"Abyssinian is shot.there's blood everywhere. We have to get him to a hospital immediately."  
  
I began to panic. I raced down the fire escape. I couldn't think straight. All I could do was fly down the iron steps as fast as I could.well fell actually. The last two steps landed me face down on the pavement. That is defiantly gonna be a bruise tomorrow.  
  
Omi and Ken came out of the building. Ken was carrying Aya's limp and motionless body in his arms. My heart stopped when I saw him. Blood was covering his face and clothes. There was so much I couldn't tell where the wound was.  
  
I rushed over to Ken. "Give him to me!" I grabbed Aya from Ken's arms before he could protest.  
  
"If you carry Aya then whose gonna drive?" Ken glared at me more frightened then angry.  
  
"You drive." I didn't wait for an answer. I just got in the back seat and held on tightly to Aya. I didn't even know why I wanted to hold him. I couldn't think straight. All I could think of was Aya.  
  
"Y-o-h-j-i" I looked down at him. His half-lidded eyes were glazed over with tears of pain. .  
  
"Sshhh" I pressed a finger to his lips. "Hang on. We'll get you to a hospital soon. Just hang on." I had never seen him like this. He looked so weak and fragile. It hurt to see him this way. Aya was the strong one. He was the one that held us together. To be honest I didn't know if I could take his place if he died. I had done it before him but now, now things are different. Now we're a family. I've gotten so used to letting Aya take care of everything. It scared the hell out of me to think that I might have to take his place. "Aya, don't die on me please." I moved my finger from his lips to stroke his cheek and then run my fingers into his hair. I didn't think about what I was doing. Only when he stared up at me with as much bewilderment as he could possibly fathom due to the pain, did I realize what I was doing.  
  
"Come on Yohji lets go!" Ken's roaring voice brought me back to the current situation we had. We were at the hospital. I must have really not been noticing anything!  
  
Without waiting for me to say anything Ken grabbed Aya from me and helped get him to a stretched that was rushed inside to the emergency room. I stumbled out of the car in a daze as I watched Aya be led off to the emergency room. I watched as the doors closed behind me and I felt the world getting smaller with every second.  
  
Why had I reacted like that towards Aya? Why had I become so scared at the thought of losing him? I had acted like..like he wasn't just a teammate. I had felt like it to. I remember looking into his eyes and thinking that I would die if I never got to look into them again, if I never got to tease him again, if I never got dragged out of bed by him again, if I never heard his voice again even if he only used it to shout 'buy something or get out!', if I never got to just sit and watch him read again. And the things that I hadn't seen yet, I had never seen him smile, I mean really smile, I had never heard him laugh, I had never seen him cry, or held him before, I had never.. Oh my God! It couldn't be! I had fallen in love with Aya. I couldn't think at that moment. I just stood there for a long while collecting my thoughts. It all boiled down to one thing. I had to get in there. I had to see if Aya was all right.  
  
After I had collected some wits about me I headed into the building. Omi and Ken were pacing up and down the waiting room. God, how long was I out there? I really need to stop spacing out.  
  
Omi notices my presence and rushes over to me with a scornful look of his face. "Yohji where have you been?"  
  
"I." I didn't know what to tell them. 'Oh I'm sorry I was busy discovering my feelings for our cold emotionless leader.' That won't work. "I had to get a smoke." Ken growled at me behind Omi's shoulder.  
  
"Kudou do you realize that Aya may very well be dying right now and all you can say is that you had to go and get a fucking smoke!" His angry shouts could be heard throughout the waiting room.  
  
I shrugged. There was nothing else I could do. They would never understand. The easiest thing for them to believe is that I am an unreliable, selfish bastard. It always has been the easiest thing. They don't know that I can be deep, that I can be caring and selfless when the time calls for it and they don't know how much Aya really means to me. No one knows, no one who is alive anyways.  
  
It's funny really; Aya and I are the same. He hides himself through a thick wall of ice, pretending that he cares for nothing and no one. But I know different. I know he would die for any one of us. A man who gives up everything for a comatose sister has got to be a good person deep down.  
  
I hide myself through a thick wall of ignorance, pretending that sex and alcohol are the only things that really matter. But I know that's not true either. I love them all. They are my friends, my brothers, my family.  
  
Ken started to advance towards me but Omi held his arm up separating the two of us. "Stop this right now! This isn't going to help Aya!" An angry scowl covered his face.  
  
I decided to direct our attention to Aya's condition. "How bad was he hurt Omichi?"  
  
"I don't really know. I just sort of panicked and didn't really have time for any of that." Sadness and blame shadowed over his face. "I just saw so much blood and it wasn't safe to check his wounds there. After I saw him go down I just panicked I guess." He muffled a sob. " I was supposed to be covering him. This."  
  
"No!" I silenced him. "No one's to blame here. Don't start blaming yourself because it won't help Aya, just as you said."  
  
He looked up at me. His eyes were on the brink of tears. He nodded and then forced a smile. "Thanks Yohji."  
  
Ken just stood there staring at me like he didn't know who the hell I was. Haha! I guess Yohji can care about people other than himself, huh?  
  
"Excuse me." We all turned to meet a short, young dark haired woman in a white jacket. "I'm sorry to interrupt but are you the ones who brought Fujimiya Ran in?"  
  
I stepped forward. "Yes, is he alright?"  
  
"He'll be fine"  
  
~~~~End Flashback~~~  
  
That was three months ago. Turns out that Aya wasn't as hurt as he looked. Meaning he had more of other peoples blood on him than his own. I wonder how Manx explained that one. Aya's wounds have healed and everything was all right again. Except for the fact that I had fallen in love with Aya.  
  
At first I was miserable. I avoided him for some time. I went to clubs whenever I could to immerse myself in sex and alcohol. Then one night I came in drunk as ever and was completely hopeless. I decided the only way to get Aya out of my mind was to kill myself. I snuck into his room to watch him and to say goodbye. I looked at him for a long time, just him, no glare, no scowl, no mask. He was beautiful. The dim light from the street slid across his sleeping form. His alabaster skin glowed in the dim light. His crimson bangs fell across his face. He was so still. The slight rise and fall of his chest was the only thing that let me know he was alive. The quiet sound of his breathing was captivating. It was like a spell that weaved me into a state of contentment and peace that I have not felt in so long, maybe never. I couldn't leave him. Even if he never loved me, even if he hated the very sight of me I had to stay. I had to be with him. I wasn't going to take the easy escape and choose death. Funny thing really, most people are afraid of death. But life is the thing to be afraid of, facing life head on, that's what scares me. No one knows what happens when you die, some have their speculations but no one really knows. I suppose that's what scares the hell out of people, the unknown. Well if you think about it. What'd ya know about life? You never know what can happen the next day, you could win the lottery, you could get hit by a car, you could find the love of you life or you could loose them and everything else in the world that you care for. And then after that day you have to face another, and another after that. And the only thing you can do is go on. This is what I've learned about life, it goes on, with or without you. That's pretty damn scary to me. Life ain't a party for everyone and the people who think it is are just kidding themselves. You have to take a good look around you and see what you have, because sometimes everything you need is right in front of you. Kinda like me and Aya, I was too blind to see who he really was and I almost lost him. It may not look like he's what I needed. I mean me fallowing Aya around for the rest of my life trying to avoid his katana is not something I would picture as a life's purpose. But if I can have moments like these, just to watch him sleep, just to look at him and not his mask, then I think I can get used to the katana. Life isn't always happy endings. I learned to accept that long ago. Sometimes when you finally find what you want it may be right in front of you but you still can't reach it. Maybe this is all I'll ever get is this moment, when I get to watch Aya sleep. But ya know what. That's enough for me. Just to be with him is enough for me. Of course I want more and I'll try like hell to get more if it kills me, and it probably will, but for now I can just be happy with the memory of my angel sleeping.  
  
He's my angel ya see because he saved me. He brought me back to a state of mind that I have not been in for a long time. He kind of makes me think, makes me feel more than I used to. He makes me feel human and not ashamed to feel it. I was One very important thing that I learned from that night is that I was dieing inside. I led myself to believe that I was living life to the moment. But I wasn't. I never appreciated one moment that I had. I never appreciated the people that I had who cared about me. The people I meet at clubs and bars don't care about me. Hell even Aya cares about me more than they do. I think he brought me back to me again.  
  
I left his room that night sober. I haven't gone to a club since. I go out walking when they think I am partying. I am not drinking near as much and my head has never been clearer. Of course I can't give up drinking and clubbing all together. I mean who can get through life without a little drop of liquor now and then? I mean after all no one's perfect, right?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
What the hell was that? I heard something coming from the hallway. I think was Aya's door from the sound of it. What the hell is he doing up at this time of night? Damn him! Now I have to get my ass up out of bed and go see what the hell he's doing. I trudged out of bed grabbed some pants and a shirt and headed for the door.  
  
~~~TBC~~~  
  
The next chapter will be coming soon. I had this chapter done a while back but was waiting for the site to get fixed completely. Sorry for the long delay. 


	3. Take My Hand

Author's Note: I am sooo sorry. I did not mean for this chapter to take so long. I am having a lot of trouble with this fic. May ideas are getting weirder and melding together in very strange ways. ^_^;;;;;; I think it will speed up more during the school year. I seem to think better when I am busy.  
  
Chapter 3: Take my hand  
  
I'm holding out my hand. Can you reach me? Before no one can reach you at all. Before you are lost forever. Don't let me loss you. Don't fade away. You think there is no more hope, You think you're all ready dead, But you're wrong. You can live again. Let me help you. Let me teach you how to love. Let me mend your broken soul. Just take my hand.  
  
~~~Yohji POV~~~  
  
I slowly stepped out into the hallway. I could barely make out the silhouette of Aya's form creeping down the stairs. What the hell could he be doing at this time of night? Well morning if you want to be exact. I mean what could Aya possibly be doing at three in the morning?  
  
Suddenly it struck me. I froze. What if he was trying to leave? No! He can't leave. I won't let him leave. We need him here. I need him here. I had to stop him.  
  
Why the hell is he trying to leave us? What the hell is wrong with him? We had all noticed a change in Aya's behavior. He started acting weird a week ago. It's almost like he was afraid of something. I had come to the conclusion earlier that the mission the week before was what started this strange behavior. I had talked Omi into doing a little secret research on the target and anyone else involved in the mission that night. He had not found anything yet that I'm aware of.  
  
We need just a little more time. Just a little more time and we can figure out what is wrong with Aya. Just a little more time and we can help him. But now he's running away. I won't let him leave. I don't care what kind of a secret he's hiding he's not leaving. I won't let him and I know Ken and Omi will feel the same way.  
  
~~~Aya's POV~~~  
  
I made up my mind. I had to leave tonight. It may not be easier this way but it will be less complicated if I didn't have to tell them why I'm leaving and I know they wouldn't let me go until I told them.  
  
But I can't stay here. My nightmares are getting worse and my reality is getting closer. I can't let it touch them. I can't have my nightmares hurt them as well. I have to run away. Like a coward, I am running away. I guess He won that argument to.  
  
~~~Begin Flashback~~~  
  
"You're useless!" The fury in his voice seemed to emanate throughout the entire house. And all of it was directed towards me. I stood there like a soldier before his commanding officer waiting for what was to come with an emotionless expression upon my face, for I feared what would become of me if I were to put forth any kind of emotion.  
  
Perhaps I could try and talk my way out of it. A respectfully approach would be best. "But sir I."  
  
"Don't you dare interrupt me!" he shouted. I realized then that trying to defend myself would go unheard. I had failed. And it was time to face the consequences.  
  
"I gave you one simple task for you complete." his voice reaching to pitches that were unheard of. "That was to take Chang Li, a child," he emphasized the word with a tone that almost sounded like disgust, "out of the Game. Is that so hard of a task that you must back down at the most critical moment in the Game?" His fists slammed down on the old wooded desk. I was only thankful that right now those fists weren't directed towards me.  
  
"No sir!" It was best to be obedient. There was nothing more I could do. It was true I had backed down. I was afraid. Something earlier that day had stopped me. Something told me to back down. I don't know what it was but it frightened me.  
  
"So if the task was so simple than why did you back down?" His eyes bore into me as if they could see straight to my very soul. His eyes always did frighten me. They could see things that others couldn't. They could see every weakness that I possessed.  
  
He approached me closely still keeping eye contact. He was now only inches away from my face looking down on me. He only stood about a couple inches taller than me but it felt more like a couple of feet. "Or are you just a coward?" Again he used a disgusted tone on that word. "Do you know what happens to cowards boy?"  
  
"Cowards get beaten down sir!" I told him what he wanted to hear even though I didn't believe it.  
  
"Beaten down by what?" he screamed in my face.  
  
"Stronger opponents sir!" Stronger opponents? Was there even such a thing? Who decided that this opponent was stronger than the other? I dare not voice these questions/ I cannot even image what he would do if he heard them from my lips.  
  
"And do you want to be a coward boy?"  
  
"No Sir!" Sir? A name I always called him. A name he didn't deserve. To him it denoted respect. To him it denoted superiority. That is why I hate superiors. They are given respect simply because of their titles, but most of them don't deserve half the respect that they are given.  
  
"Then I suggest that you correct this mistake that you have made immediately." He stared down at me like I was a dog, which he could order about and beat down as he pleased. It has always been so. I have always been his dog and what for? The Game.  
  
I see now that it was all for the Game. He hated it, and he loved it at the same time. He needed it to survive. He needed it more than any other thing on this earth. It had consumed his mind like it had so many others. The only thing that mattered to him was the Game. The Game was what kept life going and if you were not in the Game then you didn't matter to him. All that mattered was getting in control of the Game. Countless souls have been lost in the pursuit of the Game. And I was one of them. Of course I hadn't realized it at the time, but I was already one of these lost souls who had gotten consumed in the Game.  
  
I had never even dreamed of thinking these thoughts until now. That thing that told me to back down earlier that day.that's what told me. It was like a force driving me away. It opened my eyes and showed me the truth. I didn't believe it at first. I did not want to believe it. I would rather believe that I had failed rather than believe my whole life was a lie. It frightened me. Never in my life had I known such fear. Never in my life have I felt such pain, such sorrow. Never in my life had I been shown the truth.  
  
~~~End Flashback~~~  
  
I opened the trunk of my car and swung my suitcase in. I had only packed one. I didn't own very much in the first place, but I figured that I would be on the run for a while and wouldn't be able to take much of my things.  
  
I heard something come from inside. Yohji suddenly stumbles into the garage panting, mumbling something about how he really needed to quit smoking. His eyes met mine. They were filled with anger and something else that looked.that looked like fear. Why would Yohji be afraid?  
  
"What the hell do you think you're doing Fujimiya?" Each heaving breath he took was filled with bitter rage.  
  
This is great. Now I had to face him, and Yohji of all the people to catch me escaping. Of course he would be the hardest to face. Nothing with Yohji is simple. Yohji can be just as stubborn as I am when he wants something.  
  
I simply stared at him. What could I say? I was running away because I was scared. I was running away because I was a coward.  
  
~~~Yohji's POV~~~  
  
He just stood there staring at me with a blank face. He was fucking leaving us and he had nothing to say. Well I sure as hell did. "You damn well better come up with a good explanation Fujimiya!" I folded my arms in front of my chest and waited to here what he had to say.  
  
"Explain what Yohji?" He can't be! At a time like this he is actually trying to play stupid. He must be either desperate or running out of ideas.  
  
I walked over to where he was standing at the trunk of his car. I lifted up the suitcase out from the trunk and slammed in on the ground. "Explain this!" I stared at him hard. "What the fuck do you think you're doing Aya? Why the hell are you trying to leave us? You've been acting weird lately. What's wrong with you Aya, and why can't you tell us about it?" I blurted out all of the questions that I had been dieing to ask, all of the things that had been bugging me over the past few days.  
  
Now he was angry. The glare he was sending me was a sure warning sign to back off but I had started this and I sure as hell was gonna finish it even if I had to come out of it with a few broken bones or two, just as long as I got him to stay. Who knows, maybe beating the shit out of me would give him the hint that I am serious when I say that I want him to stay.  
  
"It's none of your business!" His voice was shear ice. He wasn't emotionless anymore. Now he was filled with rage. An amazing sight really. Aya truly is beautiful when he's angry. His cheeks flushed, his eyes piercing dark shades of violet, his features sharp and tense. It drove my mind wild to see him like this. It made me think of what he would look like in the heat of passion. My head began filling with images of Aya withering at my mercy when his stern voice interrupted my fantasy.  
  
"Kudou!"  
  
Uh oh. I really gotta try harder to focus on the task at hand. Right you have a job to do here Kudou. If you don't get him to stay then all you'll have is fantasies. "I'm still waiting for your answer!"  
  
"Hn" God I hate it when he does that. Is it that hard to say real words?  
  
I picked up the suitcase from the ground and turned around ready to head back inside. "You're not going anywhere!"  
  
He grabbed the suitcase and tugged it back towards him leading us into a tug-a-war contest that eventually resulted in a glaring contest. "I'm doing this for your own damn good Kudou so just back off!" He spat.  
  
I stopped struggling for the suitcase and stared at him in disbelief. I was shocked. "You call leaving us without a word good for us!" He reassumed the same emotionless face that he always bore. We stood there for what seemed like hours staring at each other in a heavy silence. How could he say such a thing? What could possibly be so bad for him to think that leavings us was the answer? We had all been through hell together. Whatever Aya was going through was killing him and we could all see that. He didn't have to get through it alone. He had us, all of us. We have all had hard times that we had to overcome. When Omi found out that he was the nephew of the man he had been trying to kill all these years and his father had been his employer all along, Ken found out that his best friend had betrayed him and tried to kill him, and me. I had found out that the Neu the woman I killed had been the woman whom I loved that had died in my arms only a few years before. Yes, we had all had rough times and no matter how much the past still haunted us we were able to live on. We found hope in each other. We found comfort there. And now there was something else that we needed to get past, the past that Aya has been hiding for so long.  
  
He broke eye contact and looked down at his feet. He felt guilty. "You don't understand." His voice was soft and quiet, almost unheard.  
  
"No I don't" He looked up at me in confusion. "But I want to. Please Aya, let us help you." I stepped closer to him. "Let me help you." He crinkled his eyebrows in confusion. He looked at me as if I had sprouted antlers. "Please Aya, You can't just leave and expect us not to care. We're friends." Never had I spoken so honestly and open with him. ".we're family. I don't know what's going on here Aya but I know something is wrong. Whatever it is we can get through this together. All of us can get through this together."  
  
"And if we don't get through this?" He comment caught me off guard. I looked down at him. He looked unsure, perhaps frightened of my answer. Did he actually think that I would turn him away in a time of need because the situation was dangerous? Something is seriously wrong. This man standing before me is not the emotionless Aya that I know who wouldn't show any signs of concern for the choices that I made. No, this wasn't Aya or Abyssinian, but who was it? Was it Ran?  
  
"And if we don't, then we go down together." I hold out my hand to him. He looks down at it timidly as though it were going to lash out at him. The huge knot in my stomach tightens. I felt like I had just laid my heart out in front of him. It scared me to think what would happen if he were to leave. How would we go on? We had survived without him before. But now, but now I don't think we would last a week without Aya. And it hurt like hell tot hink that he could last without us so easily.  
  
Then he looks back up at me his blank face present once again.  
  
"Hn" He picks up the suitcase, walked right past me and goes back inside.  
  
And I am left standing in the garage in shock and a little hurt I would like to point out. But.he stayed.  
  
~~~TCB~~~  
  
Sorry for the flashbacks. I think there is going to be a few of them since this is dealing Aya's past and all.  
  
And I apologize for some of the poems in this fic. They're getting kinda weird. But they all are supposed to connect. Hopefully. ::groans:: Sorry about the length too. It seems no matter what I do I just can't write a long chapter. There I go apologizing for everything again. I think I'm tiered. 2:00AM Yep defiantly tired.  
  
It's pretty unclear right now I hope. Although some of you may have already figured out some of what's going on. I'm trying my best to make it as obscure as possible.  
  
Well what ya think????? Keep in mind that the more reviews I get the more and the faster I will be inclined to write. Hint Hint 


	4. I'll Wait

Author's Note: This is a short chapter. It sorta just came to me and I had to add it in. It's short and pretty sad but it's important to the story. Hope you like it.  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 4: I'll Wait  
  
I know you're out there Standing in the shadows. I can feel you watching me Keeping me safe. Is that why you won't step out? Because I will not be safe, Is that why you hide? All right then, I'll give you what you want for now, I will smile and pretend to be happy. I will put on my mask and pretend to live. But it is not living like you think. I am slowly dying inside while you are away. But we will be together again someday. I will make sure of that. Someday, No matter how long it will take. I'll wait.  
  
~~~Aya-chan's POV~~~  
  
"Bye guys. I'll see you tomorrow." I waved and smiled to my friends as they disappeared around the corner. I turned around and walked towards my apartment.  
  
It looked as though it was going to rain soon. I frowned. I hated the rain. It always made me feel so sad. It always made me remember him. He always loved the rain. He once said if you stood out in the rain long enough you could hear the heavens cry. But all I could ever hear were my tears falling. I used to laugh at him and tell him he was too serious and too dramatic. But now I understand that he was only deep. He only said what he felt. He only said what he knew. Only now have I learned to admire that. I miss him so, all of his odd little comments, his over protective nature, his laugh, and his smile. I never realized until now how much he meant to me and how much I needed him.  
  
When we were young I would get mad at him for babying me, or being too concerned over me. But I needed him so much. He took care of me. He protected me. My mother and father were never around much. He had his job, and she had her social life that we were forced into now and again. He and I were left to fend for ourselves most of the time.  
  
When we grew older life became more difficult. Everything we did seemed to matter. Everything in our lives reflected on our parents. My mother started paying more attention to me, and my father to him. I was taught how to be a lady and given language lessons, music lessons, and lessons on every other thing a proper lady should have so that I would be cultured and refined. I excelled in every lesson I was given. I hated those lessons. Everyday they reminded me that I was only a commodity to my parents. As they climbed the social latter I could be auctioned off to some well bread family for a wife. I was displayed like a trophy to all of the elite. I can just hear my mother now. "Look at my daughter. Will she not make such a fine wife? She is so talented, you know?" Of course my family was not against a woman having an education or having a career as long as she knew that her family came first.  
  
Family? That word seems so foreign to me. How could I consider them my family? They treated me like I was a possession and the rest of the world only looked to me because of my parent's money. He was the only one who treated me like a human being. He was the only family I will admit to having.  
  
As awful as I thought I had it I always knew he had it worse. Mother was ashamed of him because of the way he looked. I think she hated him sometimes. Father simply said that it could be fixed. He made him dye his hair and wear contacts. No son of his was going to look like a freak he always used to say.  
  
I never looked at him that way. He was beautiful, inside and out. I only wish they could have seen it. Because of their ridicule he never saw what I could see. He thought the same as them. He was a freak. He never saw anything good in him. But I did. I was the only one who he ever let see the real him. For everyone else he would put on a mask and be exactly what they wanted him to be. He was popular, and he was loved by my father. He had a beautiful girlfriend and lots of friends. And yet he was still not happy. I don't even think he knew it. I don't think he knew what he really was or what our family did to him. I was the only one who could see what they were. I was the only one who could see what he was, even if he couldn't see it.  
  
God, I miss him so.  
  
I feel something watching me. I turn to see if someone is there. The street is empty and quiet. I wonder if it was him.  
  
I turn back around and continue walking down the street. I know he watches me. I know he is there. How? I don't know. I suppose that when you're so close to someone then you can feel their presence. That's how I know that he is alive. I never let anyone know of my feeling. I never told anyone that I knew. I must say, I am a good actress. I pretend like everyone else that he is dead. But I know that his friends are lying. I do it for him. I do it because for whatever reason he has he doesn't want me to know that he is alive. He always wanted me to be happy. So I must lie and pretend that I am for his sake. I must trust him now and go along with his lie. I must do it for him. He is not ready to tell me that he is alive. I know that something is going on with him and his friends. I may have been asleep for four years but I am not stupid. The money in my bank account didn't just suddenly appear. I know how to count. I know a florist could never make that much and manage to pay off the hospital bills for four years. Something has happened in his life that has made him believe that he can't be with me. He has always been so stubborn. But in time he always comes around. In time he will realize that I would rather be in danger than be without him. That's what I hope anyway. It takes a lot of whacks in the head sometimes for him to see the truth.  
  
Sometimes I wonder if I tell Ken how much I need him if he will show up. Sometimes I wonder if he ever knew how much I needed him. I tried so hard to not need him when I was younger and now I need him so much it scares me. His distant presence is the only thing that keeps me alive. Knowing that he is still there keeps me hoping. It keeps me breathing day after day.  
  
I know it hurts Ken when I talk about him. I know he wants to tell me. Sometimes I talk about him on purpose just to see how far I can push him. I know I'm mean but he is lying to me isn't he? He's the one hiding my brother up in that flower shop. He's lucky I haven't shot him by now.  
  
I like Ken. His presence comforts me. And then there's a point where I feel sad to be around him. He doesn't even know the real me. All he knows is the trophy daughter that I was bread to be. Maybe I don't even know who I am. Maybe he did. Maybe he knew who I really was just like I knew him. The thought makes me smile.  
  
I reach the building where I live and head over to where the mailbox is. I pull out a couple of letters. The first one is from Sakura. I tuck the letter into my pocket with a small smile and head towards the elevator. As the doors close I glance down at the other letter and read the address.  
  
As the doors open again the letter falls from my trembling hands leaving me to stare at it in silent disbelief.  
  
~~~TBC~~~  
  
Heheheh aren't I evil leaving you to wonder who the letter was from? ::evil grin::  
  
Yes I brought Aya-chan into this story. I think she will add another look into her brother's world.  
  
I hope this chapter let people in on some of Ran and Aya's past. I really hope you liked it. The next chapter will be up next week or sooner I hope.  
  
Thank you for all of the reviews. It's in the double digits now. ^_____^ Hey what can I say I have cheap thrills. And please excuse the grammar. I suck at it and don't always read over it a lot. ^_^;;;;;;;;;; It's this damn train of thought style of writing that is killing me. It's hard to write correctly that way. Ah well, review, review, review. ^____^ 


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